I have conducted marital counseling for more couples in the last month than I care to mention. The weight of a depressed economy is seriously beginning to take its toll on marital relationships. It seems as if people expect the pastoral counselor to wave a magic wand and make things all better in seriously damaged and sometimes totaled relationships. I’ve discovered through my continued studies that the real problem begins and ends with the absence of “Authentic” or unconditional love. When we possess this type of love we care about the happiness of our spouse without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. This type of love keeps you from becoming disappointed or angry when the other person makes foolish mistakes, when they don’t do what you want, or even when they inconvenience you personally. Authentic love is really the only thing that matters in life. When we experience this kind of love from another we are completely fulfilled and the longing and searching ends.

The problem is that most of us have never experienced this type of love. Instead we date and marry our spouse based on “Imitation Love.” This love is a substitute for Authentic Love and it comes in the form of praise, power, pleasure and safety. When we dated we were drawn and attracted to the praise (the approval, compliments, acceptance) we received from the other person. Or perhaps it was the power that initially drew you. You were with someone that you could control, even if only in a small way. The pleasure you received in the relationship drew you even closer and it consisted of food, sex, hanging out, and other forms of entertainment. But for many the safety was a key factor. That other person protected you from feelings of loneliness, abandonment, emptiness, and disapproval. These four components when combined in varying degrees of intensity gave you the feeling of falling or being in love.

The issue arises when one or both persons in the relationship stops giving the praise, power, pleasure and safety. That’s when we really get to see just how absolutely shallow “Imitation Love” is. Listen, the only magic wand I can offer to married couples or anyone in a troubled relationship is “Authentic Love.” You must begin to love that person with no conditions. Decide that there is absolutely no way for your love for them to cease. You will find that you react differently to them because you have made a conscious choice to embrace Authentic Love. This is the kind of love God gives to us. And perhaps that’s the other problem in our relationships – we haven’t  fully accepted the Authentic Love that God gives and therefore this concept is foreign and unfamiliar to us.

Do yourself a favor, learn to love unconditionally and you will discover that all your relationships (spouse, children, co-workers, church members, neighbors, and relatives) will begin to dramatically improve.
Visit: http://www.womenofdestiny.org

Lisa Tait
Women of Destiny Ministries
President
LISAMTAIT@aol.com

Dr. Lisa M. Tait, CEO of Women of Destiny Ministries. She obtained her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Howard Univ., her Master of Arts degree in General Psychology from American University and her Master of Divinity and Doctor of Ministry degrees at the School of Theology at Virginia Union University in Richmond, Virginia.